Conflict Resolution: It's Easy as 123
07.17.15
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can't tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Anger, a liquid fireball that surges up from the pit of your stomach, taking control of your thoughts, reducing you to the most volatile state of a feral beast, ready to tear to shreds the next unfortunate soul who dare to provoke you. We all know what anger feels like, because we are only human, and not all of us are masters of our emotions like the philosopher king Markus Aurelius or other stoic thinkers of the ancient times. There are so much stimuli and stress factors in our fast paced modern lives, that conflicts are bound to arise. Conflict resolution is an art, but there are still clear guidelines and tips that would facilitate the process. In this article, I will share some of my favorite tactics for getting out of hairy situations (Note: you might not agree of some of these strategies, but much like coding, where multiple approaches can be used to accomplish the same goal, conflicts can be resolved in multiple ways. I choose the ways that best fit my own personality and you should do the same).
1. Prevention: Nip It in the Bud
The best way to stop something is to think ahead of prevent it from happening in the first place. If you are skilled at this, you can live harmoniously for years without having to deal with a conflict. It takes a lot of mindfulness and vibe reading skills to be able to sniff out conflicts before they emerge. The key is to think small, conflicts more often than not result from the build up of multiple small transgressions rather than one big blunder. Sometimes the root causes are so negligible that we can't even put it into words. If you ever hear that someone "rubs people the wrong way," it's probably because that person has many small ticks that leave a bad taste on people's palate, even if they can't grasp the specifics. In the example given by DBC, the woman only got mad that "nobody was cleaning up" because of multiple occurrences of something that seems trivial. Programmers knows all too well how tiny mistakes can lead to devastating results in their code that require many hours of painful debugging. So if someone points out a bug in your everyday life, no matter how small the bug is, you should fix it right away, lest it build up into something unmanageable.
2. Avoidance: Don't Fuel the Fire
In the event that you do find yourself caught up in a conflict, try to extract yourself from the situation ASAP. I know that avoiding a problem might not be the best solution, but when it comes resolving conflicts, it can be a good tool if applied tactfully. When a conflict gets too heated and there are a lot of emotions floating around, people are not thinking rationally. This is what Markus Aurelius meant by: "[...]they can't tell good from evil." But he also recognizes that we should accept people even if they are doing us wrong, because they are simply acting out of their own nature, and we are ourselves susceptible to those same faults. So when people are not behaving rationally, sometimes our best recourse to just get out of the way. Listen to their ramblings, and then find the first opportunity to politely excuse yourself (this must be done with finesse or the other person might feel slighted). Sometimes, when you return from the leave of absence, you'll find that the matter has resolved itself. Once people are given time to cool down, they often start to see their own part in causing the the conflict. They might even feel bad about losing control and may even apologize to you. The avoidance rule is especially true when facing conflict from an authority figure like a parent or a boss. If you are taking heat from someone who holds power over you, do NOT argue, because you can never win in this situation, so don't add fuel to the fire and make it even worse. This lead us to the next tactic...
3. Never argue: use your actions instead
Arguing is never productive. If you are in the wrong, arguing make you seem petty and unscrupulous. Even if you are right, and you win the argument, the temporary satisfaction you've gained would be outweighed by the resentment you've planted in the other person for humiliating them. You don't want any bad blood in your relationships, especially with the people you see often, because you can never know when these hidden time bombs might blow up in the future. When you know you are right, instead of using arguments, prove it with your actions instead. When Michaelangelo was sculpting his masterpiece depiction of David, a patron insisted that the statue's nose was too big. Michaelangelo knew the nose is perfect, but instead of arguing with the patron, which could potentially cost him future funding, the wily artist grabbed a handful of marble dust and pretended to chisel on David's nose while letting the marble dust fall from his hands. This appeased the patron enough to leave the artist alone until the sculpture's completion, the result is a timeless piece of art that still inspires awe and wonder today.
4. KIP: Keep It Private
In the rare cases where avoidance and actions couldn't solve the problem, the only way is to face the conflict head on and talk about it. You want to stand up for yourself, but this doesn't mean you have to broadcast your intentions with a bullhorn. Life isn't a movie, and a very public and passionate Oscar winning speech is not going to win you a standing ovation (it's more likely to lead to awkward stares and uneasy smiles). If you put someone on the spot while others are watching, that person might feel cornered or feel like they have to look tough by refuting you on every single point. People's desire to save face can be a terrible hurdle in conflict resolution. Try to solve the problem with as little commotion as possible. Find the person who is the source of conflict and pull them aside for a "quick talk." And do keep it brief and concise, hammer in the most relevant points that are specific to the problem. This is where the DBC guideline of A.S.K. comes in handy, make sure your proposed resolution is actionable, specific, and kind. Most reasonable individuals will respect your pro-activeness and appreciate your efforts in keeping things on the DL.
If you take my advice and fixed all the problems on your side, avoided all petty issues, didn't argue, and had straight forward discussions, then you shouldn't have anymore conflicts. If somehow you still find yourself wrapped up in some drama, then the problem most likely doesn't lie with you. In that case you should find the people causing the problem and avoid them like the plague. Try to filter out all the negatives in your life and only seek the positive, because there are so many good things in life worth searching for. I will leave you with another quote by Markus Aurelius: "But true good fortune is what you make for yourself...good character, good intentions, and good actions."
